


Inside the Mind of an Adult with ADHD

by piemaker93



Category: Original Work
Genre: ADHD, Gen, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 15:48:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10722387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piemaker93/pseuds/piemaker93
Summary: So this is just a look at what the thought process of someone with ADHD is like. What a day is like, in particular a day without proper medication.





	Inside the Mind of an Adult with ADHD

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this is the first thing I've ever posted here. I was going to put it on Tumblr, but it got too long. I apologize in advance as I wrote this on my phone in notes. Just know that it is a steam of consciousness so it's supposed to be kinda disjointed at times. This is based off of my personal experiences and for the most part is pretty much what my brain did to me today at work. I hope you like it!

You take a deep breath as you start your day at work. Today is the first day you'll be working since you switched medications and you already know it's going to be a difficult day. Starting a new medication meant starting at the lowest dosage which both you and your doctor know won't be enough but it's the way these things are. The day goes on you started out listening to music like you usually do, nothing loud and usually without words. Just enough noise to drown out the normal office background noises that can be distracting but not so loud that you couldn't hear someone trying to talk to you. You last about 45 minutes before you realize you are paying more attention to the music than your work. Alright no music today then you take out your headphones after pausing the song. You get back to work your thoughts drift and wander but you end up being able to refocus at the task at hand with a bit of work once you realize what's happening. You really need to get a higher dosage asap. About half the day goes by like this. It's challenging but you can manage.

Once again your thoughts drift thinking about the internet community you joined fairly recently or maybe not so recently it's been what almost a month? Not quite a month really...3 weeks? More? Definitely have to check that out later. Wait no focus! You are at work so...you know Work. You read about another paragraph of the document before you lose focus again. Ugh today is not a good day. You feel sick to your stomach, but is it the normal nausea or maybe it's worse because you switched meds over the weekend so...withdrawal maybe? Was that why you felt like death on Saturday? But you did like your doctor said that day and took the new meds with a lower dose of the old one and you felt fine on Sunday. Hmm...wait work! You restart the paragraph you were on you can't remember anything it said. One of the people in your chat is an EMT; you talked to him yesterday. You remember complaining to him about your nausea...did you talk to him about your health issues the time before that as well? You think back to all the times you talked to the guy. Goodness you're pretty sure every time y'all talked you ended up complaining to him about how bad you feel and about your health problems. You'll have to remember to apologize to him about that. Just cause the guy is an EMT doesn't mean he wants to hear about your health issues! Oh god and he's sick right now too. God so stupid! Definitely have to apologize about that. You really want to get to know him better and you know actually talk with him. Have a legit enjoyable conversation not just complain to the guy. Who would want to listen to that...and he seems really awesome too. Gotta keep from doing it again, no matter what. Wait...work damn it! You scroll back up a page. While you were lost in thought your body was on autopilot and kept "reading" the document. You have no clue where you actually were before so you start the page all over again. You glance at the clock on your computer...you've been reading this thing for most of the day it seems. The document is only 19 pages long. Usually you can knock something like that out within an hour. Why are you still reading this document! God you're only changing medications because the last one seemed to stop working and you were already at the highest dosage. You're changing so you can actually focus again and not zone out when you are supposed to be working. This is worse than it was before!! Gah! FOCUS! You scroll back two pages and start reading again, but wait that's not right. You scroll up another page you remember reading this page. In fact you already put it into the system, but you don't actually remember the information from it. Is it even something you need to document? You decide to read the page again. You read a handful of sentences. You wonder if any of your friends have this problem. You wonder if any of them would even like being around you if you weren't medicated. You've been told you're...different without medication. Your brain helpfully supplies what exactly people have told you you're like when you're not on medication. You've been told you can be rather loud. That you come off as very intense. You are definitely rather energetic...no that's not the right word manic maybe? But what does manic actually mean? Would it be appropriate? Maybe not. You are definitely extreme or well you feel everything very strongly. Every emotion is to the extreme almost; there is no middle ground really. But is that just who you are? Does the medication make you different? Make it so people can actually handle you? Change you? No no maybe it just makes it so the real you can be seen without all the issues....but the medication is a foreign substance in your body so that can't be true. God no one would actually want to be around the real you would they? Enough people have said something about how you act when not medicated and who would want to be around THAT all the time. Wow that's really sad...how terrible do you have to be that how you naturally act is so off putting that you have to be medicated in order for people to be able to stand you. Wait no! You have a personality outside of all that! One that doesn't change regardless of whether you are medicated or not...well as long as it's the right medication. You've been on some before as a kid that pretty much made you a zombie and some that according to your parents turned you into the spawn of Satan. WORK! You look at the page and try to focus.

You glance at the clock it seems like it took you an hour to read a single page. Seriously. An HOUR! God what is WRONG with you! Your brain just refuses to do what it needs to do. It won't listen to you. You think about maybe posting something in the chat later tonight about this maybe someone else there has to deal with this too and would like to talk about it? That would be nice. Talking to someone who gets it...you think about what you could write. .... No that sounds too much like complaining. Maybe just ask an open ended question that could lead to it? That might work. Wait...work. Goddamnit!!! You return to the last place you remember reading. You try to read a sentence. Another thought about the chat and what you could say comes. No. You try again but no matter how many times you read that damn sentence there's too much going on in your head now for you to actually comprehend what it is saying. You think about how you would describe what this is like...your thoughts are racing around and around. They're like bees? Buzzing around in your head. No no there's more coordination to them then that....a whirlwind? No more powerful. What's the word? A tornado! These thoughts are like a tornado or a hurricane just spinning around and around in your head destroying any other thought you try to have along with all your attempts to focus on anything else. Oh god you're hyper focusing aren't you? Seriously? hyper focusing! You aren't going to be able to do anything else but follow this one train of thought. Not anytime soon at least. Not until it somehow lets up it's grip. You think about describing what this is like, picture putting this feeling into words. You can see them written on a page...but it keeps going. It moves on from the tornado hurricane description but there is no next thought, no new thing. You are just sitting there narrating your thoughts but there are none. You just keep Picturing. Each. Word. As. You. Think. It. Oh god it hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts but you can't stop. god why-how can thoughts hurt!? And then a new thought drifts by. It seems soft almost...it's connected but separate at the same time. You grab it, latch onto it and use it as a life preserver to save you from drowning. You could use these word and that description and make a post for Tumblr or something. They were almost poetic weren't they? And you've never actually been able to describe that feeling before or well maybe you never really tried. After all you haven't had to change medications for years and last time you started new medication it was different wasn't it? You use these thoughts to pull you in and then you collapse onto a boat. You are safe and yet you must be careful. You look back at the storm of thoughts right there at the edge. So close. So willing to pul you back in. You drive the boat away from it. You try to read the document again. You will write that post or whatever when you get home. Now is not the time.

You get home and collapse onto your bed. Ugh today was hard. Even after that hyper focusing episode you were able to finish the document; although it took you the rest of your shift. You had trouble focusing still. Thankfully it didn't get as bad as all that again. You sigh and remember that you wanted to write something...oh! You wanted to try and write out about today and give a sort of look into the mind of someone with ADHD and what it can be like. Or something like that. Maybe you'll put it on Tumblr...but it'll probably be too long for that. You'll figure out where to post it later. You grab your computer and open a new word document. You stare at the white screen and flashing cursor, mind blank. You blink and look around it's now dark in your room. When did that happen? You look back at the blank page...3 hours have passed and not a single word. But you had so many of them before! You remember you were trapped in a description of your thoughts but what words did you use? You can't remember. It had such a strong hold on you before but now...you can't even remember what exactly it was. You have an idea of what exactly the thoughts and ideas you had were about and all, but not the words. SERIOUSLY! How!? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? You sigh and move the mouse to close out the blank document. Maybe you'll do something else...listen to music perhaps? The mouse hovers over the red x...you don't click it. No. You are not doing this again. You are not just going to give in and let your shitty short-term memory and your ADHD win. You close your eyes...take a deep breath...hold it...exhale. You are back on the boat. Your in the middle of an ocean. Everything is calm. You turn the boat around. You find the storm. You dive back in and this time when you get swept up, this time when you hyper focus, you're ready and you start to type.


End file.
